Oh My!
by HaterAid
Summary: If you're looking for a serious story, you've come to the wrong place. This is a collection of one shot (for the most part) crack!fics. Please enjoy.


It was a dark and stormy night. Or at least, that's what the night shift airman told Daniel as he ventured to the mess for a cup of coffee. Ah yes, poor Doctor Jackson was studying some really _very_ interesting...uh...Rocks? Anyways, Daniel was hard at work. He was convinced he was the only member of SG-1 aside from Teal'c left on the base.

Boy was he wrong!

As he stepped into the mess to get that crack water that society decided to put a nice name to (we're still talking about coffee), he almost crashed into Jack, who was holding one red and one blue jello and looking really guilty. Daniel looked at the older man suspiciously.

"Jack, what are you doing here so late?" He said, narrowing his eyes and dramatically flaring his nostrils to see if any average person actually noticed that kind of thing. Jack was too busy looking at his stupid jello to look at Daniel though, and this made Daniel mad.

"I just...really love jello, Daniel." Jack said, looking Daniel dead in the eyes and fishing out a cube of red jello with his tongue. Daniel got the strange impression that Jack was attempting to seduce him, but Daniel promised himself that wouldn't happen _again_ because his artifacts needed him.

"Out of my way, Jack O'Neill. My babies need me!" Daniel screamed. He ran into the mess hall and grabbed a handful of creamers and some coffee grounds. He could make his own coffee in his office. As he walked purposefully down the hallway, he crashed into Siler and somehow all the creamers burst onto Silers beautiful blue jumpsuit.

"_Oh no. _I'm just totally soaked in all this..._cream._" Siler said dramatically. He whacked Daniel's other hand and coffee grounds flew all over the place, sticking onto the beautiful blue jumpsuit and irreversibly staining it.

"Truly a crime against _fashion_. I simply must take care of this before the _General_ sees. Mmm all this cream..." Siler continued to tell everyone in the area about the cream on his jumpsuit as he went down the hall. Nothing had truly been the same since Siler had accidentally body switched with and 80 year old woman with the hots for General Hammond. Unfortunately, Siler was not a member of SG-1, so there wasn't a lot of money that the Air Force was willing to spend on him.

When Daniel returned to his office at last, he mourned the loss of his coffee, licking the stray grounds from underneath his fingernails. He couldn't show his face in the mess again tonight. But when Daniel looked over the side of his desk, he found a disturbing sight...A dead airman!

/SG-1/

Now I know what you're all thinking. How did Daniel resist the Colonel's tantalizing tongue? Oh, no...Sorry, you wanted to know about the whereabouts of the rest of the infamous SG-1. Let's kill two birds with one stone and start with Jack and Sam.

In truth, Jack had been guilty. Oh so very, very guilty. Deep down right into the soles of his boots, Jack had been a very bad boy. You see, for hours now, he had been casually coming into the mess and taking one blue and one red Jello. He had started at around 1600 and it was now 2000 and he was still at it. But, what was he doing with all this Jello? I'm glad you asked.

Back in Carter's lab, Sam was playing around with some really cool toys and stuff. She was fantasizing about super muscly guys in silver armor with tattoo's on their foreheads. Imagining them being ripped limb from limb, their guts painting the forest floor their lives all in her hands all she had to do was-

"Carter. The...plan...is complete." Jack said suddenly, and cryptically, walking into the lab with one eyebrow raised and then smiling in a way that was really, really, creepy. He set the last two Jello's down on the table to join its brothers and sisters. Sam could imagine the Jello screaming for mercy, begging and pleading to trade information for the lives of their families...but there would be no mercy.

"Let us begin." Carter said. Suddenly, Jack was really nervous. He picked up a spoon and spooned some red Jello into a cup.

"Now...Careful, Sam. We don't know what might happen." He said seriously as he looked her dead in the eyes and then tried to fish some red Jello out with his tongue.

"No eating the experiment!...Sir." Sam said with an over exaggerated wink. Jack giggled and looked away shyly as Sam pulled out a spoonful of blue Jello. Suddenly, the room became deathly quiet. As the blue jello went into the cup with the red, Jack and Sam began to breathe laboriously. Then she began to mix the Jello together. Jack stopped her suddenly.

"Wait...Carter, let me." He took the spoon from her, and Sams eyes glistened with emotion. "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT!?" Jack screamed suddenly, trying not to cry so instead he decided to raise his voice. Sam just nodded, and Jack knew what he must do next.

As blue and red mixed into purple, the two officers began to pant, until finally they both fell out of their chairs and onto the floor.

"It...It worked." Sam said.

Suddenly there was yelling in the hall, and they had to get up and hide the evidence before someone accused them of something. Their only choice was to eat all of the Jello and then break the glasses so it looked like a deadly chemical weapon had exploded all over Carter's lab.

/SG-1/

Now, to the true star of our little adventure. Teal'c. Teal'c, like the rest of the SGC, had dark secrets. While Jack and Sam had their strange Jello fetish, and Daniel his almost narcotic addiction to coffee, there were far worse secrets in these halls. Teal'c's secret was not nearly as bad as some of the others, but on this night, those others would be brought to light.

Now, what was Teal'c's secret? He had been training an army of kittens to infiltrate the Goa'uld for years now. He knew it would work because those weird 'snake heads' as O'Neill called them were always going on about how much "pussy" they got, when Teal'c cared to listen to what they were saying. So, he had been teaching adorable little kittens to do things like jump through hoops, and also resist their biological development and stay six months old forever.

Now he stood, surveying his troops as they ate their cat chow. He nodded approvingly as they fought each other and showed off their muscles.

"Indeed." He whispered. Suddenly there was a knock on his door.

"Kitties, Kree!" Teal'c whispered. The kittens ran under Teal'c's bed just as their leader opened the door. He was surprised to see a panting Siler covered in coffee and cream leaning against his door frame wit his arm dramatically across his forehead.

"Simply _horrible_! Mr. Teal'c, we need your special skills...There's been a murder!"


End file.
